We live in NJ. Our adoption agency is in NY. Houston, we have a problem. We are required to have a home study done, but it must be done by an agency that is licensed in NJ since that is where we live. This is just terrific because now I need to find an adoption agency in NJ to get this done.
One year before officially embarking upon this adoption journey, we went to an information meeting at an agency in NJ. We did not particularly care for them. The director made some inappropriate comments to a woman in the audience who was asking why she couldn’t adopt an infant. (She was 50 and her spouse was 55). There are ways that things could be phrased so as not to sound offensive. The director didn’t choose the high road and it turned me right off. I didn’t like them because they were a very small agency. If I was going to be in China, I sure as hell wanted to know that there was going to be someone in my corner and wanted the reassurance that a larger agency could give me.
Anyway, we decided to use this small agency for the homestudy. It was conveniently located to us. NOTE: convenience is not a reason to pick an adoption agency. More on that later.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Saturday, September 20, 2003
One Step at a Time
Seven days after the information meeting in NYC, we received the phone call from CHI saying that our application has been approved. Our CHI caseworker was Carrie W. It's official. We were now in the paperchase phase of adoption.
Carrie W. called me and she would turn out to be my lifeline through the process. The number of documents we are required to gather is staggering. In addition, each document needs to be notarized, state sealed and authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. In addition to the documents required by China and the state and the feds, we also have to gather all the paperwork data for our homestudy. A lot of this is the same information, only it has to be on the form provided by the requesting agency. Can you say, "Duplication of Efforts?" It is all so overwhelming. What the hell is a state seal anyway and where do you get one done?
Take a step backwards and take a deep breath. I am very well organized. I know I can do this. Breath. We will get there. One step at a time.
Carrie W. called me and she would turn out to be my lifeline through the process. The number of documents we are required to gather is staggering. In addition, each document needs to be notarized, state sealed and authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. In addition to the documents required by China and the state and the feds, we also have to gather all the paperwork data for our homestudy. A lot of this is the same information, only it has to be on the form provided by the requesting agency. Can you say, "Duplication of Efforts?" It is all so overwhelming. What the hell is a state seal anyway and where do you get one done?
Take a step backwards and take a deep breath. I am very well organized. I know I can do this. Breath. We will get there. One step at a time.
Monday, September 15, 2003
The Information Meeting
I was so excited about the meeting because if we liked them, then we could start the process, whatever that entailed. The weird thing is that I couldn’t tell anyone about this at work. It’s like having this great secret that you cannot share with anyone. I didn’t want word to get out about this until I was ready to share that information; still, it made the day go by excruciatingly slowly. I even left a little early because we had to be in New York City by 6:30 pm.
We’re true New Jerseyians; we do not take public transportation into NYC. We drive and then complain about having to pay $50 to park the car. We got into the city pretty quickly and set about to find the meeting place. It wasn’t at the adoption agency’s office. It was on West 14th Street at the YMCA. We found it easily and there was a parking garage only a block away. So far so good, right? We went to the YMCA and there wasn’t any sign indicating there was a meeting for the adoption agency. I asked someone at the desk, but they knew nothing about it. They asked someone else, who said they were unaware of any adoption agency meeting. I immediately went into panic mode.
Maybe this whole thing was a scam. Why on earth would an adoption agency have a meeting at the Y anyway? Just my luck to pick the wrong agency, right? I whipped out my cell phone and called CHI. Maybe we had the wrong address. It was 5:30 and no one was answering the phones. I was put into general voicemail and I left a rambling message about being at the Y and they didn’t know anything about the meeting and perhaps I had the place or date wrong and could someone please call me back as soon as possible if anyone is there and….Well, you get the rambling idea.
I hung up the phone and proceeded to burst into tears. Not that I attracted any attention whatsoever. I mean, this was NYC after all. AR couldn’t understand why I was so upset. To me, this was the start our journey to a baby and I didn’t want any roadblocks so early into it. He calmed me down and we decided to get something to eat and would come back closer to 6:30.
We only walked about half a block and found a McDonalds. I never eat at Mickey Ds because 1. I was a vegetarian and #2., I can’t get things my way there, but I really didn’t care at all on this particular evening. We sat down to our meal. I had a diet coke and French fries. AR had a Big Mac. Gross. It was at this point that I started to notice all of the unsavory characters in the joint. Looked like gangland to me and I wanted to leave the second we were done.
We walked back to the Y and Albert went back inside to see if anything had changed. Perhaps a sign had gone up or someone else would know something. Nope, no change in that regard. At 6:20, 5 people dressed professionally walked past us, smiled and went into the Y. We just knew that they had to be the adoption agency. We trailed after them and sure enough, that is who they were. I was relieved. This wasn’t a scam, and everything was going to be all right.
They took a few minutes to get set up and put signs around. Other people started showing up. There were about 8 other families/couples there for the meeting. They began by talking a little about themselves and CHI. Then they asked each family to introduce themselves and say what country they were interested in adopting from. We went first and said China. Everyone else was interested in Russia or former parts of Russia.
The coordinator of the China program went over all the basics of who can adopt from China, how long the process will take and costs and travel time. To adopt a healthy child, Chinese law requires that the parents be over the age of 30. China has an upper limit of age 55 for parents. Parents aged 50-55 must be prepared to accept a child of 3 or older. The parents also need to have sufficient income to support the child and to be in reasonably good health. We we fit all of these requirements.
The wait time in 2003 from when your dossier (documents) were all completed and sent to China was 18 months from log in date (LID) to a referral. The LID is when the Chinese government actually officially acknowledges receiving your paperwork. They ensure all the requirements are met and then they match your dossier to a child. When the match is done, your agency is sent a referral for you. The referral is contains some photos and some information about how old and where your baby is in China.
Once you have your referral, you then will travel to China eight weeks later to get your baby. You usually spend 12 days in China, but some people arrive earlier to sight see before meeting the baby. The agency arranges all in China flights and hotels and you arrange the flights to arrive in China and go home.
The process takes a long time. There are a lot of documents that you need to get together for your dossier. Even if you are an eager beaver, you still are subject to delays because of government delays at the local, state and federal levels. Once the paperwork is sent to China, the paper chase phase is over. Everything is out of your control at that point and you are then officially waiting. The good news is that everything is pretty well organized and time frames are predictable.
We listened to the spiel about the Russian program too. Things were not so predictable there. The program is not centrally administered through one area as it is in China. Each province of Russia can have different forms to be filled out and different fees. The time frames are not predictable. Once Russia has your dossier, you could get a referral in as little as 4 weeks or as long as 6 months. You do not get a photo. You must fly to Russia to meet the child. If you decide that you would like to adopt the child, you fly back home and complete more paperwork and then you have to fly back to Russia to finalize the adoption and bring the child home.
I asked how many referrals were refused in Russia. The answer was 1 in 3. I was shocked! Even though you specify that you want a healthy child, the referral you receive might be for a child with special needs, so that is why the referral gets refused. If you refuse the referral, they will try to show you two more children to adopt, but if you refuse them, you go back home and wait for another referral. Then you have to fly back and do the meet & greet again to decide if you will accept the referral. Again, if you accept, you fly home and complete the paperwork, and then you have to fly back to get your child. Three flights to Russia is not uncommon for one adoption, and this can get very expensive.
They had answered all of our questions and they had families who recently returned from China and Russia there with their children. They told us their experiences and answered all of our questions too. We were very pleased with the meeting. AR and I decided to hand them our application and check for $100. They were surprised, but I told them that we were sure about them and adopting from China. I also asked them to ignore my crazy voicemail that I had left for them. I was hoping that when they heard it that they wouldn’t brand me a lunatic and throw out our application.
Now we had to wait to see if they would accept us as clients. Our first test of many to come.
We’re true New Jerseyians; we do not take public transportation into NYC. We drive and then complain about having to pay $50 to park the car. We got into the city pretty quickly and set about to find the meeting place. It wasn’t at the adoption agency’s office. It was on West 14th Street at the YMCA. We found it easily and there was a parking garage only a block away. So far so good, right? We went to the YMCA and there wasn’t any sign indicating there was a meeting for the adoption agency. I asked someone at the desk, but they knew nothing about it. They asked someone else, who said they were unaware of any adoption agency meeting. I immediately went into panic mode.
Maybe this whole thing was a scam. Why on earth would an adoption agency have a meeting at the Y anyway? Just my luck to pick the wrong agency, right? I whipped out my cell phone and called CHI. Maybe we had the wrong address. It was 5:30 and no one was answering the phones. I was put into general voicemail and I left a rambling message about being at the Y and they didn’t know anything about the meeting and perhaps I had the place or date wrong and could someone please call me back as soon as possible if anyone is there and….Well, you get the rambling idea.
I hung up the phone and proceeded to burst into tears. Not that I attracted any attention whatsoever. I mean, this was NYC after all. AR couldn’t understand why I was so upset. To me, this was the start our journey to a baby and I didn’t want any roadblocks so early into it. He calmed me down and we decided to get something to eat and would come back closer to 6:30.
We only walked about half a block and found a McDonalds. I never eat at Mickey Ds because 1. I was a vegetarian and #2., I can’t get things my way there, but I really didn’t care at all on this particular evening. We sat down to our meal. I had a diet coke and French fries. AR had a Big Mac. Gross. It was at this point that I started to notice all of the unsavory characters in the joint. Looked like gangland to me and I wanted to leave the second we were done.
We walked back to the Y and Albert went back inside to see if anything had changed. Perhaps a sign had gone up or someone else would know something. Nope, no change in that regard. At 6:20, 5 people dressed professionally walked past us, smiled and went into the Y. We just knew that they had to be the adoption agency. We trailed after them and sure enough, that is who they were. I was relieved. This wasn’t a scam, and everything was going to be all right.
They took a few minutes to get set up and put signs around. Other people started showing up. There were about 8 other families/couples there for the meeting. They began by talking a little about themselves and CHI. Then they asked each family to introduce themselves and say what country they were interested in adopting from. We went first and said China. Everyone else was interested in Russia or former parts of Russia.
The coordinator of the China program went over all the basics of who can adopt from China, how long the process will take and costs and travel time. To adopt a healthy child, Chinese law requires that the parents be over the age of 30. China has an upper limit of age 55 for parents. Parents aged 50-55 must be prepared to accept a child of 3 or older. The parents also need to have sufficient income to support the child and to be in reasonably good health. We we fit all of these requirements.
The wait time in 2003 from when your dossier (documents) were all completed and sent to China was 18 months from log in date (LID) to a referral. The LID is when the Chinese government actually officially acknowledges receiving your paperwork. They ensure all the requirements are met and then they match your dossier to a child. When the match is done, your agency is sent a referral for you. The referral is contains some photos and some information about how old and where your baby is in China.
Once you have your referral, you then will travel to China eight weeks later to get your baby. You usually spend 12 days in China, but some people arrive earlier to sight see before meeting the baby. The agency arranges all in China flights and hotels and you arrange the flights to arrive in China and go home.
The process takes a long time. There are a lot of documents that you need to get together for your dossier. Even if you are an eager beaver, you still are subject to delays because of government delays at the local, state and federal levels. Once the paperwork is sent to China, the paper chase phase is over. Everything is out of your control at that point and you are then officially waiting. The good news is that everything is pretty well organized and time frames are predictable.
We listened to the spiel about the Russian program too. Things were not so predictable there. The program is not centrally administered through one area as it is in China. Each province of Russia can have different forms to be filled out and different fees. The time frames are not predictable. Once Russia has your dossier, you could get a referral in as little as 4 weeks or as long as 6 months. You do not get a photo. You must fly to Russia to meet the child. If you decide that you would like to adopt the child, you fly back home and complete more paperwork and then you have to fly back to Russia to finalize the adoption and bring the child home.
I asked how many referrals were refused in Russia. The answer was 1 in 3. I was shocked! Even though you specify that you want a healthy child, the referral you receive might be for a child with special needs, so that is why the referral gets refused. If you refuse the referral, they will try to show you two more children to adopt, but if you refuse them, you go back home and wait for another referral. Then you have to fly back and do the meet & greet again to decide if you will accept the referral. Again, if you accept, you fly home and complete the paperwork, and then you have to fly back to get your child. Three flights to Russia is not uncommon for one adoption, and this can get very expensive.
They had answered all of our questions and they had families who recently returned from China and Russia there with their children. They told us their experiences and answered all of our questions too. We were very pleased with the meeting. AR and I decided to hand them our application and check for $100. They were surprised, but I told them that we were sure about them and adopting from China. I also asked them to ignore my crazy voicemail that I had left for them. I was hoping that when they heard it that they wouldn’t brand me a lunatic and throw out our application.
Now we had to wait to see if they would accept us as clients. Our first test of many to come.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Finding an Adoption Agency
Where does one go to find an adoption agency??? We started with the internet and essentially asked for every agency that had China adoption programs to send us information. We didn’t know if a local (NJ-based) agency was an advantage or not so we did not limit our search geographically. We were inundated with mail pretty quickly. We scanned through all the documentation, but how do you choose?
One agency caught our eye. They were called Children’s Hope International and referred to themselves as CHI. Chi is the universal life force in China, so we took this to be a good sign. We went to their website and saw that the NYC office was having an information meeting in early September, 2004. We decided that we would go to the meeting and meet the people and have our questions ready.
In the meantime, prior to the meeting, I started doing real research on the agency. I called the Attorney General’s office in NY and Saint Louis (the agency’s HQ is St. Louis) to see if there were a lot of complaints/fraud against them. I also checked with the Better Business Bureau in each city to see the same. There were very few complaints, which made me feel pretty good.
I also contacted several couples who had recently adopted via CHI. All gave me positively glowing recommendations, which is what I expected simply because they wouldn’t refer us to someone who was unhappy, right? Still, it felt good to speak with someone who had actually used their services and were pleased with their professionalism.
A great resource for adoption information is the yahoo groups. For China, Adoptive Parents China http://groups.yahoo.com/group/a-parents-china/ was invaluable. I was able to ask people for agency recommendations there as well. It is a great place to ask a question of those who have BTDT.
We filled out a preliminary application and I wrote out a check for $100. I had to include three photos of the two of us. I decided that we would take the application to the information meeting. If we liked what we saw and heard, we would give them the application and check; if not, we would just walk away and look elsewhere.
Were we really doing this? Sure looks like it. The meeting was three days away. I could hardly wait!
One agency caught our eye. They were called Children’s Hope International and referred to themselves as CHI. Chi is the universal life force in China, so we took this to be a good sign. We went to their website and saw that the NYC office was having an information meeting in early September, 2004. We decided that we would go to the meeting and meet the people and have our questions ready.
In the meantime, prior to the meeting, I started doing real research on the agency. I called the Attorney General’s office in NY and Saint Louis (the agency’s HQ is St. Louis) to see if there were a lot of complaints/fraud against them. I also checked with the Better Business Bureau in each city to see the same. There were very few complaints, which made me feel pretty good.
I also contacted several couples who had recently adopted via CHI. All gave me positively glowing recommendations, which is what I expected simply because they wouldn’t refer us to someone who was unhappy, right? Still, it felt good to speak with someone who had actually used their services and were pleased with their professionalism.
A great resource for adoption information is the yahoo groups. For China, Adoptive Parents China http://groups.yahoo.com/group/a-parents-china/ was invaluable. I was able to ask people for agency recommendations there as well. It is a great place to ask a question of those who have BTDT.
We filled out a preliminary application and I wrote out a check for $100. I had to include three photos of the two of us. I decided that we would take the application to the information meeting. If we liked what we saw and heard, we would give them the application and check; if not, we would just walk away and look elsewhere.
Were we really doing this? Sure looks like it. The meeting was three days away. I could hardly wait!
Thursday, September 4, 2003
What Albert's Family Thinks
Albert told his mom and sister. Neither reaction was what we were expecting. They were both aware of the problems we had been having in trying to conceive, so neither should have been surprised by the announcement. His sister asked, "Well did you try everything else first? As if we had no idea as to what we were doing and why must we try everything else first? I mean, we knew that this is how we wanted to form our family and yet it wasn't good enough for her? I am happy to say that she did finally come around and just adores her little niece today.
Albert's mom was not supportive at all. The first words out of her mouth were, "Don't do it. She'll never love you. You aren't her real parents." Oh yeah, this was going to be an uphill battle for sure. Albert did not back down and proceeded to lambaste her for her small-mindedness. It ended up with him hanging up on her and not speaking to her for several months. I wish I could tell you all that this one ended happily ever after, but it didn't. She has still refused to accept our daughter as her grandchild. She has very limited contact with her for obvious reasons.
Albert's mom was not supportive at all. The first words out of her mouth were, "Don't do it. She'll never love you. You aren't her real parents." Oh yeah, this was going to be an uphill battle for sure. Albert did not back down and proceeded to lambaste her for her small-mindedness. It ended up with him hanging up on her and not speaking to her for several months. I wish I could tell you all that this one ended happily ever after, but it didn't. She has still refused to accept our daughter as her grandchild. She has very limited contact with her for obvious reasons.
Wednesday, September 3, 2003
Referral Rumor
All of August goes by and no referrals were received. We heard it through the rumor mill on the Spanish message boards that referrals were mailed on September 3rd! Finally, an inkling of news, albeit a rumor, but news is news! Of course, this happens to be Labor Day weeked, so it is going to be a long one for us, waiting to see if the rumors are even true. Since Monday, September 6th is a holiday in the United States, I don't expect to hear anything from my agency until Tuesday at the earliest. I have been disappointed before, but this seems like it might really be true, but I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up. Maybe if I say it enough times...I will repeat this mantra.
Monday, September 1, 2003
What my family thinks
I know on some level that I shouldn't give a crap what the family thinks because this is, after all, our life and our decision. I would like for everyone to be happy for us, but I just had that sinking feeling that it wasn't going to go that way. Since we live in my father's house, we definitely need his blessing. I mean, if he is against this whole thing then we are going to have to find a new place to live on top of everything else. That is not a prospect that I am looking forward to.
Why would my dad be against the adoption? Well, I'm not sure. Don't forget that he was born in 1935 and is a product of his time. When I was a teen, I heard him say lots of racist things. I know he was definitely of the belief that people should stay with their own kind. You know what I mean-whites with whites; blacks with blacks and so on, He was thinking in terms of people dating & marrying though. Raising a child of a different race never came up. Would he feel differently about it since this different race child would be my daughter and his granddaughter or would it be equally as bad in his eyes?
I had to tell him first simply because we lived together. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy about the possible outcomes that I couldn't sleep at night. Albert & I decided to tell him and get it over with. We'd deal with the aftermath once we knew. It was late August 2003 and he was sitting outside on the deck. I called him inside so that we could tell him. I said,
"You know that AR and I have been trying to have a baby..." He interrupted me, "You're pregnant?" I could hear the excitement in his voice. "No, "I told him, "not exactly." He looked confused. "We've been through all the doctors and it just isn't going to happen for us that way so we are going to adopt a baby. We're probably going to China."
He just stood there for a minute and then came over with a huge smile on his face and hugged me and Albert. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're going to be parents." He seemed really excited.
I told him that I was worried about his reaction. "Why?" he wanted to know, surprised that we thought he'd be anything but happy for us. "Well," you've said some racist things in the past and your granddaughter is going to be Chinese." He quickly blew that off and said that he didn't care where she was from, that she would be his granddaughter. I started to cry because I was relieved and happy all at the same time.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. The rest of my family was going to be a breeze to tell. We all had a drink to celebrate. It was the best drink I'd had in a long time.
Why would my dad be against the adoption? Well, I'm not sure. Don't forget that he was born in 1935 and is a product of his time. When I was a teen, I heard him say lots of racist things. I know he was definitely of the belief that people should stay with their own kind. You know what I mean-whites with whites; blacks with blacks and so on, He was thinking in terms of people dating & marrying though. Raising a child of a different race never came up. Would he feel differently about it since this different race child would be my daughter and his granddaughter or would it be equally as bad in his eyes?
I had to tell him first simply because we lived together. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy about the possible outcomes that I couldn't sleep at night. Albert & I decided to tell him and get it over with. We'd deal with the aftermath once we knew. It was late August 2003 and he was sitting outside on the deck. I called him inside so that we could tell him. I said,
"You know that AR and I have been trying to have a baby..." He interrupted me, "You're pregnant?" I could hear the excitement in his voice. "No, "I told him, "not exactly." He looked confused. "We've been through all the doctors and it just isn't going to happen for us that way so we are going to adopt a baby. We're probably going to China."
He just stood there for a minute and then came over with a huge smile on his face and hugged me and Albert. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're going to be parents." He seemed really excited.
I told him that I was worried about his reaction. "Why?" he wanted to know, surprised that we thought he'd be anything but happy for us. "Well," you've said some racist things in the past and your granddaughter is going to be Chinese." He quickly blew that off and said that he didn't care where she was from, that she would be his granddaughter. I started to cry because I was relieved and happy all at the same time.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. The rest of my family was going to be a breeze to tell. We all had a drink to celebrate. It was the best drink I'd had in a long time.
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