Travel Rumor Dates

We are still waiting to hear what our travel dates will be. Even though we know we are going to China, we still do not know when. We can't make our flight plans yet, obviously, because we do not know when we will be going. I check the airlines and the prices change dramatically from day to day.

Tonight our adoption agency had a meeting in NYC to hear about travel plans. We went to the meeting to hear what they had to say. The travel coordinator from the home office in Saint Louis was there and she was telling us that we had to arrange our own travel to and from China (we knew this) and they handle all of the in-China flights and hotels. We just have to give them our travel info so that when we arrive in China, they will have a CHI rep there to meet us and take us to the hotel.

She said that she would definitely be in China by November 4th, but there was a possibility we could travel by October 28th! I say, the sooner the better. We should know for sure by next week.

The meeting was fun. We brought our referral pictures with us and everyone was oohing and aahing over her. There were people there who didn't have their referrals yet, so they were quite excited to see our pics.

Visa Application

I submitted our Visa application today. Not sure how long it will take to get the visas. They are only good for 3 months. We do not have our travel approval yet either, but I decided that I had to get the visa application into the China's Consulate Office in NYC anyway. I cannot imagine that we won't be to and back from China within the next 90 days!

September 8, 2004 Referral Arrives today

My husband and I both stayed home from work because we wanted to get the referral info and pictures together. Everytime we heard a truck, we ran to the door to see if it was UPS. My dad kept asking too if the pictures came yet, but we were still waiting.

I was certain they would arrive by 2 pm. Other CHI families had received their referral photos already and we were still waiting. I was getting so impatient. I was certain that we now were not going to get our information today. What if it got lost??? By 3:30 pm I called Carrie at CHI to make sure that the package went out and they were still coming. Carrie was in the NYC office, which is the office that we worked with, but the information was shipped from the Saint Louis office. That is why we received a fax of a fax yesterday. St. Louis faxed to NYC and then NYC faxed it to me. Carrie assured me that the info was on its way.

I was talking to my husband when I saw the UPS truck out of the corner of my eye. I jumped up from the couch and ran to the door shouting, "UPS IS HERE." I flung open the door and there was the UPS driver across the street from us. It was not our usual driver. He was just sitting there looking at paperwork. My dad cam out and the three of us were waiting for the driver to come.

When he finally came to the door, I snatched the envelope from his hands. It actually had the wrong address on it! No wonder he was staring at the paperwork! No matter now, we raced to the kitchen to open it. The dogs were barking. I think they knew something good was about to happen.

When we saw her beautiful face in color, we grinned from ear to ear. SHe had chubby cheeks and a lot of hair. She was perfect. My dad said she looked like a Gerber baby. The three of us just stood around starring at the referral photos, three in all.

Photo will appear in the next post!

Referral Pkoto

I just love this one.

After staring at the photos and pouring over the info, we went to Staples and made color copies on photo paper of our daughter. We went to see Gina to give her a copy and to see grandma and uncle vinny too. Everyone was so happy to finally see her. Of course, grandma now wanted to know when she was coming home and we still didn't know that. More waiting, right? Yep. More waiting.

The Call!

Our wonderful adoption agency, CHI http://www.childrenshopeint.org/ , updated all of our contact information last week in anticipation of referrals. They had my work number, my cell number, my husband's work and cell numbers too, but I was the first line of contact since AR doesn't sit at a desk all day like I do.

I knew I would be comepletely useless at work, so I canceled a meeting that was scheduled for 10 am. I just could not deal with work crap right now. Yes, I know I am at work, but jeez! Does anyone actually expect me do get anything done today??

1:30 pm
I sat at my desk, glued to my chair. I received no phone calls except for my dearest fried, Gina. "You seem so blah today. Why?" I explained to her that she has no idea at all what it is like to wait and wait for a phone call that will tell you about your daughter, and I just can't wait anymore! (since this was written, Gina sure can relate as she is waiting right now to get the news that she can adopt her little boy from Guatemala).

2:00 pm
I keep checking the message boards and other people are getting the call! None, however are from my agency http://www.childrenshopeint.org/ . I hope the call comes soon because I am starting the fall semester tonight and have to leave work at 4 pm to get there by 5 pm for my film class. Ring, phone. RING!!!

3:00 pm
Other CHI families are getting the call now. My phone should ring any minute. This wait is excruciating.

3:20 pm
My phone rang. On the display I could see that it was Children's Hope International! Carrie from the NYC office called and said, "Its a girl." She told me that she was faxing the info over to me right now with a picture so that I could see how adorable she was. I ran to the fax machine, but it was jammed! Why do I have this luck??? I ran back to my desk to all http://www.childrenshopeint.org/ to give them another fax number and then ran back to the fax to wait for it.

I waited and the fax started printing:
Lu Ruo Dan
Born January 8, 2007
Nanfeng Social Welfare Institute
Jiangxi Province
Peoples Republic of China

It was so hard to really see her face because the picture was a fax of a fax, so it was sketchy at best. She looked beautiful to me.

I called my husband first and he couldn't believe that the information was actually here. He was so happy. I called my dad, but he wasn't home! I called my uncle and my grandmother and then I called Gina. Everyone was so happy about getting the news of the referral.

I still had to go to school, so I left. Before leaving I showed the referral fax to my boss and co-workers as they have been experiencing the wait with me as well. Since CHI said they were overnighting the photos and medical info for tomorrow delivery, I decided that I would work from home tomorrow. I needed to see those pictures!

I was late for class on the first night, but I did not care. All I could think about was my baby was waiting for me in Nanfeng SWI http://www.gurrad.com/china/nanfeng.htm . If I could fly to China today to bring her home, I would, but there was more waiting in my future.

Rumors May be True!

Okay, there was a posting on the Spanish message boards that referrals came through for those waiting families in Spain. Does that mean that I will get my referral? I can't say 100%, but as long as referrals are being sent for U.S. waiting families I cannot fathom that we will not get our referral this time around. This is going to be one very long day for me.

Referrals?

Okay, now the CCAA is predictable to a point. I know it goes in cycles, but they have been sending referrals every month. We, the waiting, have come to expect this. Well, since we've been waiting, they have been sending referrals every month. We are definitely next. I mean, we missed the cut off date last month by one day so we know that we have to be in the nest set of referrals, which should be this month and yet, it is nearly the end of August and NO REFERRALS. There isn't even a referral rumor.

Why am I being f***** with? WHY? All I want is my baby. Really, is that too much to ask? I don't know how much more of this I can take. Truthfully, I feel as if I am a woman on the brink of insanity. I am on http://groups.yahoo.com/group/a-parents-china/ night and day hitting that refresh button. I cannot even pretend that I am getting any work done at work either. I am a complete basketcase.

If my referral doesn't come soon, it won't even matter. I will be in the looney bin. Stop by and visit, will you?

The Baby's Room is Done

Her room needed a lot of work. We had someone come in to repair the cracked ceiling. This took about a week to finish and it was messy! Thankfully we were going to replace the carpeting.

My dad put in the wood trim to go around the window. Amazing how much nicer it looks now with that done.

The color scheme: decided on pale green and pale yellow. Originally I had samples of paint that were electric yellow and super bright green. Anyone that I showed the samples to made a face. I was disappointed with the reactions. I really liked those colors, but because of the revulsion of others, I started to second guess myself. I didn't want the room to shock my baby so I went with the lighter shades. The colors are soothing. The wall and ceiling is green and all of the wood trim is yellow.

We ripped out the old carpeting. That was a filthy mess. Yuck! There is a hardwood floor underneath, but the floor is not in good shape. We picked out a light green carpet and hired someone to install it. The color is not the same as the walls, but it all looks good together. Now all we need is a baby to go in this room!

Not even thinking about referrals

I cannot even discuss referrals now. I can't even think about it. Okay? Lets move on.

I painted a wooden letter K the same color yellow that we painted the trim in the baby's room. I gave it to Aunt Gina roday to finish it off. She is so creative! She came up with all of these words that begin with the letter K and she will paint them onto the wood. I think it is going to look really cute in the baby's room.

Albert and I went to the doctor two weeks ago to get some shots that we needed to get for our upcoming trip to China. The shots we got were Hepatitus A, Hepatitus B, Measles/Mumps/Ruebella, and Tetanus/Diptheria. Boy, did our arms hurt! I woke up this morning covered in spots! I went to the doctor and he said I had a measley response to the measle vaccine. I am itchy too. Thought the vaccine was supposed to prevent me from contracting measles! Argh!!! Well, I'll be ready by the time we go to China, whenever that may be.

Bad News~No referral for us :(

I am crushed. No, even more than that. I am devastated. Referrals came. Yes, they did. All of December, all of January and nearly all of February received their precious referrals. The month of February was split. Referrals were sent up to and including February 26th. We missed the cut off by one day! One freaking day. I cannot believe that the entire month was not included. I mean, there are only 28 days in February for chrissakes! WTF!

I was so sure that we were getting our referral. I mean, SO SURE and now I have nothing. Don't even DARE to tell me that I will get the child I am meant to have, okay? I don't want to hear it. I WANT MY BABY NOW! Do you understand that? Do you? Let me have my pity party. Thank you.

July 22, 2004 Referral Rumor

The rumor is that referrals are coming and will include all LIDs for December, January and February. That means us! Our LID is February 27th! We should have our referral in a few days. Thw wait is nearly over. Woo Hoo!

Referral Rumors

Adoption sites thrive on referral rumors. When you are waiting, you tend to hang onto whatever scraps of info you can glean from any source. I was an avid reader of a-parents china yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/a-parents-china/ Truth be told, it nearly drove me insane. I can say that now in retrospect, but at the time, it was all I had. The waiting is hard, and when you learn of referrals, you can guesstimate when you will get yours based on log in dates etc. Now I wish I had never gotten so wrapped up into the rumors, but alas, it was intoxicating. I spent many sleepless nights reading the boards and hoping and wondering when my referral was going to be next.

The next posts are comprised from my journal writings.

June 14, 2004
Today I heard a great rumor. All of November and most of December LID will get their referrals this week. That would mean that we will get our referral in August! I sure hope this rumor is true!

Albert took a part-time job to earn some extra money. A very dear friend of ours gave him a job working in an office supply store. She is the store manager, so it should work out for both of us, I hope.

The Wait

The waiting is the hardest part...Yes it sure is, but I have been keeping myself very busy. First order of business is to switch all the rooms around. Albert and I were moving out of the master bedroom suite so that my dad could move from the medium sized bedroom that we were going to take. His having the larger bedroom allowed us to also move his tv, books and computer from the den that will be our daughter's room. It is the smallest of the three bedrooms.

It is a pretty straight forward thing, just moving stuff around, but my dad is someone who does not like change. He understands why we have to move everything, but he isn't so sure why we have to do it now when we don't even have a referral yet. I tried to explain that I couldn't wait until I got the referral as there would be so many other things I'd have to do then, but he thinks I am just a little crazy I guess, but he is going along with it, begudgingly!

The trick to this multi-room move is to do it when my dad will be out of the house for a few hours because there is going to be stuff all over the place. In addition, we had to call the cable company and the phone company in to move the cable and change the telephone lines, so there was going to be a bit of confusion. So that was our plan and it pretty much worked. We had to move all of our stuff out of the master bedroom in put it in the living room and dining room temporarily. This enabled us to move all of my dad's bedroom furniture into his new room. Then we moved all of his stuff from the den into the bedroom.

Then we painted his old bedroom so that we'd have fresh paint on the walls. It is always best to paint when there is no furniture in the room, so this was a grand opportunity. We did however, have to sleep in the living room that night because it was so late by the time the painting was finished that we did not a. have the energy to move the furniture into the room and b. did not want to sleep with the paint fumes so strong.

By the end of the weekend my dad and I had switched bedrooms and my daughter's room was empty. This room was going to require a lot of work. Painting, new carpeting, fix the crack in the ceiling and put trim on the window. See, we will have a lot of stuff to do while we wait!

Our LID!

I have been waiting to hear news of our official log in date so everyday I anxiously go through the mail looking for a letter from CHI. Last week I was disappointed because there was a letter from CHI about waiting children, but it wasn't what I was hoping for.

As I sorted through the mail today, I saw an envelope that looked like a book. It was upside down so I didn't know who it was from, but I set it aside to look at all the letter-type envelopes. There were none from CHI. I flipped over the book envelope and it was from CHI. I opened it and there was a letter with my official log in date of 2-27-04 and a book called "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?" A parent's guide to raising multiracial children. What a pleasant surprise. Thanks CHI! We are officially DTC for February!!!

DTC & LID

The home office of CHI in Saint Louis had my dossier and were looking it over to make sure everything was there that was supposed to be there. It takes a while to do this, gather up all the dossiers that were going at the same time and then send them to China, DTC (Dossier to China) . However, CHI sends them to their office in China to have all the dossiers translated into Chinese first. Some agencies translate the dossiers in the US an then send them to the CCAA for processing.

Why is this important? Well, once you know when the CCAA has logged in your dossier, then you can estimate when you will be getting your referral. In my case, being DTC wouldn't give be an estimate because DTC just meant it was going to the Chinese office of CHI. What I needed was a LID- log in date. This is the date that the Chinese governemnet logged in my dossier. This is the date that I could use to estimate when I might receive my referral.

Another hitch is that CHI knows when they send the dossiers to the CCAA, but that date doesn't matter either (not that they tell us this date). The dossiers could be sitting on someone's desk in China for weeks before someone actually logs in the date that it was received.

Although we sent the dossier to CHI in January, it still had to go through processing on their end in the U.S. and in China. I was hoping to have a February LID, but would have to wait until I received my official notification from CHI.

in 2004, referrals were coming 5-7 months after LID. If we had a February LID, we could get our referral in July or August and that would mean we'd be in China in September or October! We just need a LID!!!!

I-171H Arrives

Albert, and I were having breakfast when we heard the postal carrier at the door. The dogs go crazy, which is really what alerted us to the postal carrier. Anyway, we have a slot through the door that the mail comes through. I leaned back to yell at the dogs to knock it off (they were really loud) and saw the mail as it was spilling into the hallway. I saw a brown envelope. Now, I have been sending away for all of these free samples lately so I thought it was one of those.

I ran over to get it and when I looked at the envelope, I saw that it was from Homeland Security. Quickly I scooped it up and ran over to AR. "I think we got it," I shrieked. Carefully I opened it up, but there were a few documents in there. I was looking for the I-171H somewhere on the forms...I didn't see it. "

Well, is it the form?" AR asked.

"I can't tell," I replied as I was flipping through the documents and then, I saw it.

There was the tiny I-171H in the corner that I was looking for. Yes, we have the approval!!!!! On 1/24/2004 we received the I-171H. I ran out the door now to make copies, got them notarized and off to the state of NJ for the seal. And, I was doing the happy dance the whole way!

Fingerprint Appointment

I sent the form into Homeland Security on 12/11/2003. On 12/15/03 I received a letter from them with an appointment date of 1/9/2004. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I thought that I might be able to have an appointment before the end of 2003, but that was not to be.

The AR, my dad and I were fingerprinted in Hackensack NJ at the Homeland Security office. My dad walked in first and he told the guard he was there for his fingerprint apppointment. The guard asked my dad why he needed to be fingerprinted and he said "for an adoption," the guard looked at my dad and said, "You're adopting???" We all had a laugh at that, but then he realized that AR and I were adopting.

Fingerprints were done and now I am just waiting for the I-171H to arrive in the mail. How long will it take??? Guess that is the big unknown. More waiting...

Thanksgiving Came & Went - No Homestudy

I was hoping to have my homestudy in my hot little hands by Thanksgiving, but it didn't happen. I called the homestudy agency and they kept giving me excuses. The social worker had the flu. Its almost done, just proofreading etc. Finally they told me it was done. I sent AR to go pick it up because mailing it would just delay us further.

As AR flipped through the homestudy in the office, he noticed that my last name was misspelled and told them. They edited the document and re-printed it while he waited. As soon as I got home I looked through it and it all seemed okay to me, so I faxed it to CHI in NY to have Carrie look it over. She called me a day after I faxed it and said that they left my father off of the Child Abuse Report Incident, which is a major big deal! Carrie also didn't like te way some things were worded either.

I called the homestudy agency on the phone to discuss the issues. I spoke to Marie, the director. She was pissy with me. I couldn't believe her attitude. She had the balls to say, "Your husband looked at it in the office and said it was fine!" Yeah, I told her after we waited 6 weeks for the damn thing, he flipped through it quickly and saw that you misspelled my last name. You certainly didn't think that was our approval, did you???" She was snippy with me and I told her that Carrie from CHI would be calling too because they wanted a few things re-worded. She was just annoyed and thought I was a pain in the ass. Yeah, but you took my $1,200 for the homestudy so you'd better believe that it has to be correct!

I just knew she was going to make me twist in the wind waiting for the corrections. Carrie called me later in the day to say that she told them of the changes that she wanted. They weren't too nice to her either. We were both pretty sure that they were going to make us wait for the correction, which easily could have been done in 10 minutes. I called them every day to see if it was done. Finally they told it was done and I got it on December 9th.

I had hoped to be DTC by the end of the month and now it just wasn't going to happen. With holidays upon us, I figured we were looking at late January to be DTC. CHI approved the homestudy and I sent it off to Newark on December 11, 2003 with my FINAL form, the 600-A. Once Homeland Security had my homestudy and the 600-A, they would ask give us all an appointment for fingerprinting. Once the fingerprints cleared, we would get the last piece of paperwork that we need for our dossier, the 171-H. The 171-H form means that we are approved by the Federal government to bring an orphaned chilld from another country to the United States.

More waiting....

The Home Study

So, what exactly is a home study anyway?

The state of New Jersey requires that all prospective adoptive parents have a home study prepared by a licensed social worker from a non-profit adoption agency. The home study is a written report about your family done by the social worker. The intent is to assess the home and see that it meets the state standards for the child’s safety and assesses available space.

As part of the home study, we had to gather lots of documents and answer a million questions. China requires that we must have a minimum of 4 visits with the social worker. The first meeting was at the adoption agency. Our social worker was a guy, and that seems to be unusual from what others have told me.

I really had no idea of what to expect at this meeting. He really started off by asking where I was born, and where did I live after coming home from the hospital after being born (oh, yeah, this was going to take a LONG time to get through). I also came home with a list of documents that I had to gather. In addition, because we lived with my dad, I had to gather almost all of the same documents for him.

Birth certificates for three of us
Marriage certificate
Medical report for three of us
Fingerprinting for all three of us
Letter from the police department stating that none of us had a criminal record and were citizens of good standing in the community
Appointment of a guardian for our child
Financial documents
Three letters of reference.

The letters of reference killed me because none could be written by a family member and one had to be written by a neighbor. A NEIGHBOR. I barely speak to any of my neighbors and I don’t even know their last names. Can you just imagine knocking on your neighbor’s door standing there with a checklist of what needed to be covered in the letter and having to explain that you are adopting and you need a letter of reference from them to convince the state that we were qualified to be adoptive parents?

Yeah, neither could I. That’s why I made AR do it. Hey, I was doing all of the frigging paperwork and all he really had to do was sign on the X whenever I shoved a piece of paper in front of him. It was the least he could do. I asked my best friend and a close family friend to write the other two letters. The letters had to be notarized too.

On our second homestudy meeting at the office, we finished up each of our life history up to when we got married to each other. Then we started delving into why we wanted to adopt. So for us, that meant delving into the infertility issues. He spoke to us together and then each of us separately. He needed to determine whether we were entering the adoption process willingly or not. I guess speaking without the other person there would allow one spouse to say things they don’t want to say in front of their partner.

A large focus of the home study was on each of our childhoods. What was your fondest memory? Should I tell him that I thought my father was superman and swore that I saw his blue cape? No, I told him it was the big Italian Sunday dinners we had a grandma’s house every week eating pasta and brown derby cake that my uncle John always brought over.

Was I ever hit as a child? Hmmm, not by my parents but my oma hit me with a wooden spoon once because I left my records on the floor and my younger cousin stood on them and crushed them. Why was I hit??? ‘Cuz I left the records on the floor.

What were my feelings about discipline? I know the answer that the social worker was looking for here, but the truth was that if I ever had to swat my kid on the behind, I would do so. However, what I said was that I would never use corporeal punishment and signed a document to that effect. Timeouts would be the primary punishment.

What role does religion play in your lives? Oh, boy. This is a loaded question. The truth? I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I questioned the belief system that the Catholic school tried to cram down my throat when I was 11. Did I get married in a church? Yes. It meant nothing to me and it meant everything to them, and my parents were paying for the wedding, so what was wrong with a bit more hypocrisy surrounding the Catholic church? My answer to this question was “I am a lapsed Catholic. I don’t feel the need for organized religion,” and he didn’t press me on it so that was that.

The last home study visit was three weeks after the first visit, so we did it pretty quickly. The last visit took place in our home. I was dreading this because even though I know they don’t do the white glove test, what was he really going to do? He came in and when he sat down, one of my dogs immediately jumped into his lap. I think he was more of a cat person, if you catch my drift, and thought he’s be mad, but he was cool and just petted my dog while he continued to ask questions.

He asked my dad if he supported our efforts for the adoption, which of course, he said yes. I told my dad not to offer any information and to just answer the questions he was asked directly. I didn’t want to take any chances. What if my dad said something crazy? It could happen, you know. Thankfully it all went well. We were hoping to have our home study in our hands in three weeks, which would put us around Thanksgiving. More waiting.

I Need TWO Agencies?

We live in NJ. Our adoption agency is in NY. Houston, we have a problem. We are required to have a home study done, but it must be done by an agency that is licensed in NJ since that is where we live. This is just terrific because now I need to find an adoption agency in NJ to get this done.

One year before officially embarking upon this adoption journey, we went to an information meeting at an agency in NJ. We did not particularly care for them. The director made some inappropriate comments to a woman in the audience who was asking why she couldn’t adopt an infant. (She was 50 and her spouse was 55). There are ways that things could be phrased so as not to sound offensive. The director didn’t choose the high road and it turned me right off. I didn’t like them because they were a very small agency. If I was going to be in China, I sure as hell wanted to know that there was going to be someone in my corner and wanted the reassurance that a larger agency could give me.

Anyway, we decided to use this small agency for the homestudy. It was conveniently located to us. NOTE: convenience is not a reason to pick an adoption agency. More on that later.