The Home Study

So, what exactly is a home study anyway?

The state of New Jersey requires that all prospective adoptive parents have a home study prepared by a licensed social worker from a non-profit adoption agency. The home study is a written report about your family done by the social worker. The intent is to assess the home and see that it meets the state standards for the child’s safety and assesses available space.

As part of the home study, we had to gather lots of documents and answer a million questions. China requires that we must have a minimum of 4 visits with the social worker. The first meeting was at the adoption agency. Our social worker was a guy, and that seems to be unusual from what others have told me.

I really had no idea of what to expect at this meeting. He really started off by asking where I was born, and where did I live after coming home from the hospital after being born (oh, yeah, this was going to take a LONG time to get through). I also came home with a list of documents that I had to gather. In addition, because we lived with my dad, I had to gather almost all of the same documents for him.

Birth certificates for three of us
Marriage certificate
Medical report for three of us
Fingerprinting for all three of us
Letter from the police department stating that none of us had a criminal record and were citizens of good standing in the community
Appointment of a guardian for our child
Financial documents
Three letters of reference.

The letters of reference killed me because none could be written by a family member and one had to be written by a neighbor. A NEIGHBOR. I barely speak to any of my neighbors and I don’t even know their last names. Can you just imagine knocking on your neighbor’s door standing there with a checklist of what needed to be covered in the letter and having to explain that you are adopting and you need a letter of reference from them to convince the state that we were qualified to be adoptive parents?

Yeah, neither could I. That’s why I made AR do it. Hey, I was doing all of the frigging paperwork and all he really had to do was sign on the X whenever I shoved a piece of paper in front of him. It was the least he could do. I asked my best friend and a close family friend to write the other two letters. The letters had to be notarized too.

On our second homestudy meeting at the office, we finished up each of our life history up to when we got married to each other. Then we started delving into why we wanted to adopt. So for us, that meant delving into the infertility issues. He spoke to us together and then each of us separately. He needed to determine whether we were entering the adoption process willingly or not. I guess speaking without the other person there would allow one spouse to say things they don’t want to say in front of their partner.

A large focus of the home study was on each of our childhoods. What was your fondest memory? Should I tell him that I thought my father was superman and swore that I saw his blue cape? No, I told him it was the big Italian Sunday dinners we had a grandma’s house every week eating pasta and brown derby cake that my uncle John always brought over.

Was I ever hit as a child? Hmmm, not by my parents but my oma hit me with a wooden spoon once because I left my records on the floor and my younger cousin stood on them and crushed them. Why was I hit??? ‘Cuz I left the records on the floor.

What were my feelings about discipline? I know the answer that the social worker was looking for here, but the truth was that if I ever had to swat my kid on the behind, I would do so. However, what I said was that I would never use corporeal punishment and signed a document to that effect. Timeouts would be the primary punishment.

What role does religion play in your lives? Oh, boy. This is a loaded question. The truth? I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I questioned the belief system that the Catholic school tried to cram down my throat when I was 11. Did I get married in a church? Yes. It meant nothing to me and it meant everything to them, and my parents were paying for the wedding, so what was wrong with a bit more hypocrisy surrounding the Catholic church? My answer to this question was “I am a lapsed Catholic. I don’t feel the need for organized religion,” and he didn’t press me on it so that was that.

The last home study visit was three weeks after the first visit, so we did it pretty quickly. The last visit took place in our home. I was dreading this because even though I know they don’t do the white glove test, what was he really going to do? He came in and when he sat down, one of my dogs immediately jumped into his lap. I think he was more of a cat person, if you catch my drift, and thought he’s be mad, but he was cool and just petted my dog while he continued to ask questions.

He asked my dad if he supported our efforts for the adoption, which of course, he said yes. I told my dad not to offer any information and to just answer the questions he was asked directly. I didn’t want to take any chances. What if my dad said something crazy? It could happen, you know. Thankfully it all went well. We were hoping to have our home study in our hands in three weeks, which would put us around Thanksgiving. More waiting.