I had to ask. "Are you sure that you are okay with adopting?" The reason I was skeptical is because we had discussed children prior to getting married. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were walking around the block of my parent's house and I said that I believed in zero population growth. WHAT??? I explained that there were already so many people on this planet that creating another one would simply be a drain on the earth's resources. Why populate the earth when there were so many children already here that needed homes.
AR wasn't too thrilled with my viewpoint. He comes from a heritage of Hispanic people and likes the idea of producing children. He didn't know about adoption because he wanted to have "his own child." Haunting words, huh? Back then I knew how important it was to him, so I came up with the five years of fun before children concept and he agreed to that and after we "had our own" child, we could consider adoption.
Which brings us back to the question of, "Are you sure that you are okay with adopting?" because you weren't too fond of the idea 12 years ago. AR admitted that he used to think that way, but ever since his prognosis of azoospermia, he re-thought all of that. He had adoption in his mind from the minute when he knew there was a possibility that we would be unable to conceive and so he has had the time to reconcile how he used to feel. I was relieved to hear this because I thought, well, it's only been a week since the doctor delivered my bad news, but he's been thinking about it for the two years that he had his bad news. It made me feel a whole lot better because I had never eliminated adoption from my set of options.
I always thought adoption was a possibility for me. I didn't realize that it would become our only option, but I was okay with this. I was never the person who said, Oooh, can't wait to get married and have a baby. The being pregnant part was never appealing to me. I know there is a lot of discomfort during pregnancy, not to mention the pain of childbirth, and none of that was especially enticing. Pregnant friends would tell me that once you have your baby, you forget about all of the pain & discomfort, which allows you to do it all over a second time. Ha, ha. The joke is on them, sort of.
While we were cuddling together sipping our drinks we discussed the different adoption options. Domestic vs. International. I already knew that I did not want a domestic adoption. Purely for selfish reasons. The conventional wisdom in the U.S. these days is to advocate for open adoptions. This did not appeal to me. I know it works for plenty of people, but I didn't want to have a relationship with the birth mother. I did not want to deal with the issues of that at all. If I were going to adopt, I want to be the main mother in that child's life. Yes, we will talk about the fact that my child has two mothers, but I did not want to be competing for my child's affection. I know I would be hurt if my child preferred to spend time with her birth mother. Yes, I know I am selfish. Yes, I know that I should be thinking about what is best for my child. Yes, I know this is petty. However, it doesn't matter because this is how I feel and I am not going to pretend to be something I am not.
In addition to the whole open adoption is the fact that a birth mother can change their mind about the adoption. And you know what? I think they should be able to change their mind before the adoption is finalized. If a birth mother selected us as parents and we went through the pregnancy with her and then once the baby was born she changed her mind, I would be devastated. Again, I know it is what is in the child's best interests, but it is also about me. I have had enough heartache. I don't want more. I don't know what the percentage of birth mothers who change their minds is, but that is not a risk I was willing to take.
What about adopting through foster care? Generally speaking, children in foster care are older (not infants, though they could be) and have come from some pretty heavy situations such as physical/sexual abuse, neglect or drug use. That is why they are in foster care in the first place. The children are removed from unsafe situations and need to be in a loving environment with people who will keep them safe. You are providing a safe haven for these children. The primary goal is to re-unite the foster kids with their parents. I know that I would get attached to any child in my care and I would be unable to return the child to her biological mother. Even if the birth parent's parental rights were terminated, the children would require a level of care that we would be unable to provide due to the extreme situations that they have come from.
AR agreed with me on these issues and so we ruled out domestic adoption. That left international adoption. We both thought that China was a strong possibility. China has an overwhelming number of children (primarily girls) who are abandoned. This tugged at our hearts heavily. We discussed Colombia and Guatemala as potential countries. AR liked the idea of either of them because of his Hispanic background. He is fluent in Spanish. I am not. Neither of us was keen on Russia. We had heard that many children have fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) and often times the children available were older. Did we want to parent an older child? Not sure. We both liked the idea of having an infant baby since we had not experienced that.
We spent the whole cruise discussing the possibilities of China, Colombia and Guatemala. If we wanted a boy, then Colombia or Guatemala were the best choices. If we wanted a girl, then China seemed to be the better option. We finally decided that boy/girl didn't matter. Although he could have shared a heritage with a child from a Spanish-speaking country; I could not. AR didn't think that was fair to me. He decided to take Colombia and Guatemala out of consideration, which only left China.
Our baby would be coming from China. Next steps:
- Tell our families - kind of a scary prospect
- Find an adoption agency - need to be diligent with research
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