I was hoping to have my homestudy in my hot little hands by Thanksgiving, but it didn't happen. I called the homestudy agency and they kept giving me excuses. The social worker had the flu. Its almost done, just proofreading etc. Finally they told me it was done. I sent AR to go pick it up because mailing it would just delay us further.
As AR flipped through the homestudy in the office, he noticed that my last name was misspelled and told them. They edited the document and re-printed it while he waited. As soon as I got home I looked through it and it all seemed okay to me, so I faxed it to CHI in NY to have Carrie look it over. She called me a day after I faxed it and said that they left my father off of the Child Abuse Report Incident, which is a major big deal! Carrie also didn't like te way some things were worded either.
I called the homestudy agency on the phone to discuss the issues. I spoke to Marie, the director. She was pissy with me. I couldn't believe her attitude. She had the balls to say, "Your husband looked at it in the office and said it was fine!" Yeah, I told her after we waited 6 weeks for the damn thing, he flipped through it quickly and saw that you misspelled my last name. You certainly didn't think that was our approval, did you???" She was snippy with me and I told her that Carrie from CHI would be calling too because they wanted a few things re-worded. She was just annoyed and thought I was a pain in the ass. Yeah, but you took my $1,200 for the homestudy so you'd better believe that it has to be correct!
I just knew she was going to make me twist in the wind waiting for the corrections. Carrie called me later in the day to say that she told them of the changes that she wanted. They weren't too nice to her either. We were both pretty sure that they were going to make us wait for the correction, which easily could have been done in 10 minutes. I called them every day to see if it was done. Finally they told it was done and I got it on December 9th.
I had hoped to be DTC by the end of the month and now it just wasn't going to happen. With holidays upon us, I figured we were looking at late January to be DTC. CHI approved the homestudy and I sent it off to Newark on December 11, 2003 with my FINAL form, the 600-A. Once Homeland Security had my homestudy and the 600-A, they would ask give us all an appointment for fingerprinting. Once the fingerprints cleared, we would get the last piece of paperwork that we need for our dossier, the 171-H. The 171-H form means that we are approved by the Federal government to bring an orphaned chilld from another country to the United States.
More waiting....
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
The Home Study
So, what exactly is a home study anyway?
The state of New Jersey requires that all prospective adoptive parents have a home study prepared by a licensed social worker from a non-profit adoption agency. The home study is a written report about your family done by the social worker. The intent is to assess the home and see that it meets the state standards for the child’s safety and assesses available space.
As part of the home study, we had to gather lots of documents and answer a million questions. China requires that we must have a minimum of 4 visits with the social worker. The first meeting was at the adoption agency. Our social worker was a guy, and that seems to be unusual from what others have told me.
I really had no idea of what to expect at this meeting. He really started off by asking where I was born, and where did I live after coming home from the hospital after being born (oh, yeah, this was going to take a LONG time to get through). I also came home with a list of documents that I had to gather. In addition, because we lived with my dad, I had to gather almost all of the same documents for him.
Birth certificates for three of us
Marriage certificate
Medical report for three of us
Fingerprinting for all three of us
Letter from the police department stating that none of us had a criminal record and were citizens of good standing in the community
Appointment of a guardian for our child
Financial documents
Three letters of reference.
The letters of reference killed me because none could be written by a family member and one had to be written by a neighbor. A NEIGHBOR. I barely speak to any of my neighbors and I don’t even know their last names. Can you just imagine knocking on your neighbor’s door standing there with a checklist of what needed to be covered in the letter and having to explain that you are adopting and you need a letter of reference from them to convince the state that we were qualified to be adoptive parents?
Yeah, neither could I. That’s why I made AR do it. Hey, I was doing all of the frigging paperwork and all he really had to do was sign on the X whenever I shoved a piece of paper in front of him. It was the least he could do. I asked my best friend and a close family friend to write the other two letters. The letters had to be notarized too.
On our second homestudy meeting at the office, we finished up each of our life history up to when we got married to each other. Then we started delving into why we wanted to adopt. So for us, that meant delving into the infertility issues. He spoke to us together and then each of us separately. He needed to determine whether we were entering the adoption process willingly or not. I guess speaking without the other person there would allow one spouse to say things they don’t want to say in front of their partner.
A large focus of the home study was on each of our childhoods. What was your fondest memory? Should I tell him that I thought my father was superman and swore that I saw his blue cape? No, I told him it was the big Italian Sunday dinners we had a grandma’s house every week eating pasta and brown derby cake that my uncle John always brought over.
Was I ever hit as a child? Hmmm, not by my parents but my oma hit me with a wooden spoon once because I left my records on the floor and my younger cousin stood on them and crushed them. Why was I hit??? ‘Cuz I left the records on the floor.
What were my feelings about discipline? I know the answer that the social worker was looking for here, but the truth was that if I ever had to swat my kid on the behind, I would do so. However, what I said was that I would never use corporeal punishment and signed a document to that effect. Timeouts would be the primary punishment.
What role does religion play in your lives? Oh, boy. This is a loaded question. The truth? I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I questioned the belief system that the Catholic school tried to cram down my throat when I was 11. Did I get married in a church? Yes. It meant nothing to me and it meant everything to them, and my parents were paying for the wedding, so what was wrong with a bit more hypocrisy surrounding the Catholic church? My answer to this question was “I am a lapsed Catholic. I don’t feel the need for organized religion,” and he didn’t press me on it so that was that.
The last home study visit was three weeks after the first visit, so we did it pretty quickly. The last visit took place in our home. I was dreading this because even though I know they don’t do the white glove test, what was he really going to do? He came in and when he sat down, one of my dogs immediately jumped into his lap. I think he was more of a cat person, if you catch my drift, and thought he’s be mad, but he was cool and just petted my dog while he continued to ask questions.
He asked my dad if he supported our efforts for the adoption, which of course, he said yes. I told my dad not to offer any information and to just answer the questions he was asked directly. I didn’t want to take any chances. What if my dad said something crazy? It could happen, you know. Thankfully it all went well. We were hoping to have our home study in our hands in three weeks, which would put us around Thanksgiving. More waiting.
The state of New Jersey requires that all prospective adoptive parents have a home study prepared by a licensed social worker from a non-profit adoption agency. The home study is a written report about your family done by the social worker. The intent is to assess the home and see that it meets the state standards for the child’s safety and assesses available space.
As part of the home study, we had to gather lots of documents and answer a million questions. China requires that we must have a minimum of 4 visits with the social worker. The first meeting was at the adoption agency. Our social worker was a guy, and that seems to be unusual from what others have told me.
I really had no idea of what to expect at this meeting. He really started off by asking where I was born, and where did I live after coming home from the hospital after being born (oh, yeah, this was going to take a LONG time to get through). I also came home with a list of documents that I had to gather. In addition, because we lived with my dad, I had to gather almost all of the same documents for him.
Birth certificates for three of us
Marriage certificate
Medical report for three of us
Fingerprinting for all three of us
Letter from the police department stating that none of us had a criminal record and were citizens of good standing in the community
Appointment of a guardian for our child
Financial documents
Three letters of reference.
The letters of reference killed me because none could be written by a family member and one had to be written by a neighbor. A NEIGHBOR. I barely speak to any of my neighbors and I don’t even know their last names. Can you just imagine knocking on your neighbor’s door standing there with a checklist of what needed to be covered in the letter and having to explain that you are adopting and you need a letter of reference from them to convince the state that we were qualified to be adoptive parents?
Yeah, neither could I. That’s why I made AR do it. Hey, I was doing all of the frigging paperwork and all he really had to do was sign on the X whenever I shoved a piece of paper in front of him. It was the least he could do. I asked my best friend and a close family friend to write the other two letters. The letters had to be notarized too.
On our second homestudy meeting at the office, we finished up each of our life history up to when we got married to each other. Then we started delving into why we wanted to adopt. So for us, that meant delving into the infertility issues. He spoke to us together and then each of us separately. He needed to determine whether we were entering the adoption process willingly or not. I guess speaking without the other person there would allow one spouse to say things they don’t want to say in front of their partner.
A large focus of the home study was on each of our childhoods. What was your fondest memory? Should I tell him that I thought my father was superman and swore that I saw his blue cape? No, I told him it was the big Italian Sunday dinners we had a grandma’s house every week eating pasta and brown derby cake that my uncle John always brought over.
Was I ever hit as a child? Hmmm, not by my parents but my oma hit me with a wooden spoon once because I left my records on the floor and my younger cousin stood on them and crushed them. Why was I hit??? ‘Cuz I left the records on the floor.
What were my feelings about discipline? I know the answer that the social worker was looking for here, but the truth was that if I ever had to swat my kid on the behind, I would do so. However, what I said was that I would never use corporeal punishment and signed a document to that effect. Timeouts would be the primary punishment.
What role does religion play in your lives? Oh, boy. This is a loaded question. The truth? I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I questioned the belief system that the Catholic school tried to cram down my throat when I was 11. Did I get married in a church? Yes. It meant nothing to me and it meant everything to them, and my parents were paying for the wedding, so what was wrong with a bit more hypocrisy surrounding the Catholic church? My answer to this question was “I am a lapsed Catholic. I don’t feel the need for organized religion,” and he didn’t press me on it so that was that.
The last home study visit was three weeks after the first visit, so we did it pretty quickly. The last visit took place in our home. I was dreading this because even though I know they don’t do the white glove test, what was he really going to do? He came in and when he sat down, one of my dogs immediately jumped into his lap. I think he was more of a cat person, if you catch my drift, and thought he’s be mad, but he was cool and just petted my dog while he continued to ask questions.
He asked my dad if he supported our efforts for the adoption, which of course, he said yes. I told my dad not to offer any information and to just answer the questions he was asked directly. I didn’t want to take any chances. What if my dad said something crazy? It could happen, you know. Thankfully it all went well. We were hoping to have our home study in our hands in three weeks, which would put us around Thanksgiving. More waiting.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
I Need TWO Agencies?
We live in NJ. Our adoption agency is in NY. Houston, we have a problem. We are required to have a home study done, but it must be done by an agency that is licensed in NJ since that is where we live. This is just terrific because now I need to find an adoption agency in NJ to get this done.
One year before officially embarking upon this adoption journey, we went to an information meeting at an agency in NJ. We did not particularly care for them. The director made some inappropriate comments to a woman in the audience who was asking why she couldn’t adopt an infant. (She was 50 and her spouse was 55). There are ways that things could be phrased so as not to sound offensive. The director didn’t choose the high road and it turned me right off. I didn’t like them because they were a very small agency. If I was going to be in China, I sure as hell wanted to know that there was going to be someone in my corner and wanted the reassurance that a larger agency could give me.
Anyway, we decided to use this small agency for the homestudy. It was conveniently located to us. NOTE: convenience is not a reason to pick an adoption agency. More on that later.
One year before officially embarking upon this adoption journey, we went to an information meeting at an agency in NJ. We did not particularly care for them. The director made some inappropriate comments to a woman in the audience who was asking why she couldn’t adopt an infant. (She was 50 and her spouse was 55). There are ways that things could be phrased so as not to sound offensive. The director didn’t choose the high road and it turned me right off. I didn’t like them because they were a very small agency. If I was going to be in China, I sure as hell wanted to know that there was going to be someone in my corner and wanted the reassurance that a larger agency could give me.
Anyway, we decided to use this small agency for the homestudy. It was conveniently located to us. NOTE: convenience is not a reason to pick an adoption agency. More on that later.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
One Step at a Time
Seven days after the information meeting in NYC, we received the phone call from CHI saying that our application has been approved. Our CHI caseworker was Carrie W. It's official. We were now in the paperchase phase of adoption.
Carrie W. called me and she would turn out to be my lifeline through the process. The number of documents we are required to gather is staggering. In addition, each document needs to be notarized, state sealed and authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. In addition to the documents required by China and the state and the feds, we also have to gather all the paperwork data for our homestudy. A lot of this is the same information, only it has to be on the form provided by the requesting agency. Can you say, "Duplication of Efforts?" It is all so overwhelming. What the hell is a state seal anyway and where do you get one done?
Take a step backwards and take a deep breath. I am very well organized. I know I can do this. Breath. We will get there. One step at a time.
Carrie W. called me and she would turn out to be my lifeline through the process. The number of documents we are required to gather is staggering. In addition, each document needs to be notarized, state sealed and authenticated by the Chinese Consulate. In addition to the documents required by China and the state and the feds, we also have to gather all the paperwork data for our homestudy. A lot of this is the same information, only it has to be on the form provided by the requesting agency. Can you say, "Duplication of Efforts?" It is all so overwhelming. What the hell is a state seal anyway and where do you get one done?
Take a step backwards and take a deep breath. I am very well organized. I know I can do this. Breath. We will get there. One step at a time.
Monday, September 15, 2003
The Information Meeting
I was so excited about the meeting because if we liked them, then we could start the process, whatever that entailed. The weird thing is that I couldn’t tell anyone about this at work. It’s like having this great secret that you cannot share with anyone. I didn’t want word to get out about this until I was ready to share that information; still, it made the day go by excruciatingly slowly. I even left a little early because we had to be in New York City by 6:30 pm.
We’re true New Jerseyians; we do not take public transportation into NYC. We drive and then complain about having to pay $50 to park the car. We got into the city pretty quickly and set about to find the meeting place. It wasn’t at the adoption agency’s office. It was on West 14th Street at the YMCA. We found it easily and there was a parking garage only a block away. So far so good, right? We went to the YMCA and there wasn’t any sign indicating there was a meeting for the adoption agency. I asked someone at the desk, but they knew nothing about it. They asked someone else, who said they were unaware of any adoption agency meeting. I immediately went into panic mode.
Maybe this whole thing was a scam. Why on earth would an adoption agency have a meeting at the Y anyway? Just my luck to pick the wrong agency, right? I whipped out my cell phone and called CHI. Maybe we had the wrong address. It was 5:30 and no one was answering the phones. I was put into general voicemail and I left a rambling message about being at the Y and they didn’t know anything about the meeting and perhaps I had the place or date wrong and could someone please call me back as soon as possible if anyone is there and….Well, you get the rambling idea.
I hung up the phone and proceeded to burst into tears. Not that I attracted any attention whatsoever. I mean, this was NYC after all. AR couldn’t understand why I was so upset. To me, this was the start our journey to a baby and I didn’t want any roadblocks so early into it. He calmed me down and we decided to get something to eat and would come back closer to 6:30.
We only walked about half a block and found a McDonalds. I never eat at Mickey Ds because 1. I was a vegetarian and #2., I can’t get things my way there, but I really didn’t care at all on this particular evening. We sat down to our meal. I had a diet coke and French fries. AR had a Big Mac. Gross. It was at this point that I started to notice all of the unsavory characters in the joint. Looked like gangland to me and I wanted to leave the second we were done.
We walked back to the Y and Albert went back inside to see if anything had changed. Perhaps a sign had gone up or someone else would know something. Nope, no change in that regard. At 6:20, 5 people dressed professionally walked past us, smiled and went into the Y. We just knew that they had to be the adoption agency. We trailed after them and sure enough, that is who they were. I was relieved. This wasn’t a scam, and everything was going to be all right.
They took a few minutes to get set up and put signs around. Other people started showing up. There were about 8 other families/couples there for the meeting. They began by talking a little about themselves and CHI. Then they asked each family to introduce themselves and say what country they were interested in adopting from. We went first and said China. Everyone else was interested in Russia or former parts of Russia.
The coordinator of the China program went over all the basics of who can adopt from China, how long the process will take and costs and travel time. To adopt a healthy child, Chinese law requires that the parents be over the age of 30. China has an upper limit of age 55 for parents. Parents aged 50-55 must be prepared to accept a child of 3 or older. The parents also need to have sufficient income to support the child and to be in reasonably good health. We we fit all of these requirements.
The wait time in 2003 from when your dossier (documents) were all completed and sent to China was 18 months from log in date (LID) to a referral. The LID is when the Chinese government actually officially acknowledges receiving your paperwork. They ensure all the requirements are met and then they match your dossier to a child. When the match is done, your agency is sent a referral for you. The referral is contains some photos and some information about how old and where your baby is in China.
Once you have your referral, you then will travel to China eight weeks later to get your baby. You usually spend 12 days in China, but some people arrive earlier to sight see before meeting the baby. The agency arranges all in China flights and hotels and you arrange the flights to arrive in China and go home.
The process takes a long time. There are a lot of documents that you need to get together for your dossier. Even if you are an eager beaver, you still are subject to delays because of government delays at the local, state and federal levels. Once the paperwork is sent to China, the paper chase phase is over. Everything is out of your control at that point and you are then officially waiting. The good news is that everything is pretty well organized and time frames are predictable.
We listened to the spiel about the Russian program too. Things were not so predictable there. The program is not centrally administered through one area as it is in China. Each province of Russia can have different forms to be filled out and different fees. The time frames are not predictable. Once Russia has your dossier, you could get a referral in as little as 4 weeks or as long as 6 months. You do not get a photo. You must fly to Russia to meet the child. If you decide that you would like to adopt the child, you fly back home and complete more paperwork and then you have to fly back to Russia to finalize the adoption and bring the child home.
I asked how many referrals were refused in Russia. The answer was 1 in 3. I was shocked! Even though you specify that you want a healthy child, the referral you receive might be for a child with special needs, so that is why the referral gets refused. If you refuse the referral, they will try to show you two more children to adopt, but if you refuse them, you go back home and wait for another referral. Then you have to fly back and do the meet & greet again to decide if you will accept the referral. Again, if you accept, you fly home and complete the paperwork, and then you have to fly back to get your child. Three flights to Russia is not uncommon for one adoption, and this can get very expensive.
They had answered all of our questions and they had families who recently returned from China and Russia there with their children. They told us their experiences and answered all of our questions too. We were very pleased with the meeting. AR and I decided to hand them our application and check for $100. They were surprised, but I told them that we were sure about them and adopting from China. I also asked them to ignore my crazy voicemail that I had left for them. I was hoping that when they heard it that they wouldn’t brand me a lunatic and throw out our application.
Now we had to wait to see if they would accept us as clients. Our first test of many to come.
We’re true New Jerseyians; we do not take public transportation into NYC. We drive and then complain about having to pay $50 to park the car. We got into the city pretty quickly and set about to find the meeting place. It wasn’t at the adoption agency’s office. It was on West 14th Street at the YMCA. We found it easily and there was a parking garage only a block away. So far so good, right? We went to the YMCA and there wasn’t any sign indicating there was a meeting for the adoption agency. I asked someone at the desk, but they knew nothing about it. They asked someone else, who said they were unaware of any adoption agency meeting. I immediately went into panic mode.
Maybe this whole thing was a scam. Why on earth would an adoption agency have a meeting at the Y anyway? Just my luck to pick the wrong agency, right? I whipped out my cell phone and called CHI. Maybe we had the wrong address. It was 5:30 and no one was answering the phones. I was put into general voicemail and I left a rambling message about being at the Y and they didn’t know anything about the meeting and perhaps I had the place or date wrong and could someone please call me back as soon as possible if anyone is there and….Well, you get the rambling idea.
I hung up the phone and proceeded to burst into tears. Not that I attracted any attention whatsoever. I mean, this was NYC after all. AR couldn’t understand why I was so upset. To me, this was the start our journey to a baby and I didn’t want any roadblocks so early into it. He calmed me down and we decided to get something to eat and would come back closer to 6:30.
We only walked about half a block and found a McDonalds. I never eat at Mickey Ds because 1. I was a vegetarian and #2., I can’t get things my way there, but I really didn’t care at all on this particular evening. We sat down to our meal. I had a diet coke and French fries. AR had a Big Mac. Gross. It was at this point that I started to notice all of the unsavory characters in the joint. Looked like gangland to me and I wanted to leave the second we were done.
We walked back to the Y and Albert went back inside to see if anything had changed. Perhaps a sign had gone up or someone else would know something. Nope, no change in that regard. At 6:20, 5 people dressed professionally walked past us, smiled and went into the Y. We just knew that they had to be the adoption agency. We trailed after them and sure enough, that is who they were. I was relieved. This wasn’t a scam, and everything was going to be all right.
They took a few minutes to get set up and put signs around. Other people started showing up. There were about 8 other families/couples there for the meeting. They began by talking a little about themselves and CHI. Then they asked each family to introduce themselves and say what country they were interested in adopting from. We went first and said China. Everyone else was interested in Russia or former parts of Russia.
The coordinator of the China program went over all the basics of who can adopt from China, how long the process will take and costs and travel time. To adopt a healthy child, Chinese law requires that the parents be over the age of 30. China has an upper limit of age 55 for parents. Parents aged 50-55 must be prepared to accept a child of 3 or older. The parents also need to have sufficient income to support the child and to be in reasonably good health. We we fit all of these requirements.
The wait time in 2003 from when your dossier (documents) were all completed and sent to China was 18 months from log in date (LID) to a referral. The LID is when the Chinese government actually officially acknowledges receiving your paperwork. They ensure all the requirements are met and then they match your dossier to a child. When the match is done, your agency is sent a referral for you. The referral is contains some photos and some information about how old and where your baby is in China.
Once you have your referral, you then will travel to China eight weeks later to get your baby. You usually spend 12 days in China, but some people arrive earlier to sight see before meeting the baby. The agency arranges all in China flights and hotels and you arrange the flights to arrive in China and go home.
The process takes a long time. There are a lot of documents that you need to get together for your dossier. Even if you are an eager beaver, you still are subject to delays because of government delays at the local, state and federal levels. Once the paperwork is sent to China, the paper chase phase is over. Everything is out of your control at that point and you are then officially waiting. The good news is that everything is pretty well organized and time frames are predictable.
We listened to the spiel about the Russian program too. Things were not so predictable there. The program is not centrally administered through one area as it is in China. Each province of Russia can have different forms to be filled out and different fees. The time frames are not predictable. Once Russia has your dossier, you could get a referral in as little as 4 weeks or as long as 6 months. You do not get a photo. You must fly to Russia to meet the child. If you decide that you would like to adopt the child, you fly back home and complete more paperwork and then you have to fly back to Russia to finalize the adoption and bring the child home.
I asked how many referrals were refused in Russia. The answer was 1 in 3. I was shocked! Even though you specify that you want a healthy child, the referral you receive might be for a child with special needs, so that is why the referral gets refused. If you refuse the referral, they will try to show you two more children to adopt, but if you refuse them, you go back home and wait for another referral. Then you have to fly back and do the meet & greet again to decide if you will accept the referral. Again, if you accept, you fly home and complete the paperwork, and then you have to fly back to get your child. Three flights to Russia is not uncommon for one adoption, and this can get very expensive.
They had answered all of our questions and they had families who recently returned from China and Russia there with their children. They told us their experiences and answered all of our questions too. We were very pleased with the meeting. AR and I decided to hand them our application and check for $100. They were surprised, but I told them that we were sure about them and adopting from China. I also asked them to ignore my crazy voicemail that I had left for them. I was hoping that when they heard it that they wouldn’t brand me a lunatic and throw out our application.
Now we had to wait to see if they would accept us as clients. Our first test of many to come.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Finding an Adoption Agency
Where does one go to find an adoption agency??? We started with the internet and essentially asked for every agency that had China adoption programs to send us information. We didn’t know if a local (NJ-based) agency was an advantage or not so we did not limit our search geographically. We were inundated with mail pretty quickly. We scanned through all the documentation, but how do you choose?
One agency caught our eye. They were called Children’s Hope International and referred to themselves as CHI. Chi is the universal life force in China, so we took this to be a good sign. We went to their website and saw that the NYC office was having an information meeting in early September, 2004. We decided that we would go to the meeting and meet the people and have our questions ready.
In the meantime, prior to the meeting, I started doing real research on the agency. I called the Attorney General’s office in NY and Saint Louis (the agency’s HQ is St. Louis) to see if there were a lot of complaints/fraud against them. I also checked with the Better Business Bureau in each city to see the same. There were very few complaints, which made me feel pretty good.
I also contacted several couples who had recently adopted via CHI. All gave me positively glowing recommendations, which is what I expected simply because they wouldn’t refer us to someone who was unhappy, right? Still, it felt good to speak with someone who had actually used their services and were pleased with their professionalism.
A great resource for adoption information is the yahoo groups. For China, Adoptive Parents China http://groups.yahoo.com/group/a-parents-china/ was invaluable. I was able to ask people for agency recommendations there as well. It is a great place to ask a question of those who have BTDT.
We filled out a preliminary application and I wrote out a check for $100. I had to include three photos of the two of us. I decided that we would take the application to the information meeting. If we liked what we saw and heard, we would give them the application and check; if not, we would just walk away and look elsewhere.
Were we really doing this? Sure looks like it. The meeting was three days away. I could hardly wait!
One agency caught our eye. They were called Children’s Hope International and referred to themselves as CHI. Chi is the universal life force in China, so we took this to be a good sign. We went to their website and saw that the NYC office was having an information meeting in early September, 2004. We decided that we would go to the meeting and meet the people and have our questions ready.
In the meantime, prior to the meeting, I started doing real research on the agency. I called the Attorney General’s office in NY and Saint Louis (the agency’s HQ is St. Louis) to see if there were a lot of complaints/fraud against them. I also checked with the Better Business Bureau in each city to see the same. There were very few complaints, which made me feel pretty good.
I also contacted several couples who had recently adopted via CHI. All gave me positively glowing recommendations, which is what I expected simply because they wouldn’t refer us to someone who was unhappy, right? Still, it felt good to speak with someone who had actually used their services and were pleased with their professionalism.
A great resource for adoption information is the yahoo groups. For China, Adoptive Parents China http://groups.yahoo.com/group/a-parents-china/ was invaluable. I was able to ask people for agency recommendations there as well. It is a great place to ask a question of those who have BTDT.
We filled out a preliminary application and I wrote out a check for $100. I had to include three photos of the two of us. I decided that we would take the application to the information meeting. If we liked what we saw and heard, we would give them the application and check; if not, we would just walk away and look elsewhere.
Were we really doing this? Sure looks like it. The meeting was three days away. I could hardly wait!
Thursday, September 4, 2003
What Albert's Family Thinks
Albert told his mom and sister. Neither reaction was what we were expecting. They were both aware of the problems we had been having in trying to conceive, so neither should have been surprised by the announcement. His sister asked, "Well did you try everything else first? As if we had no idea as to what we were doing and why must we try everything else first? I mean, we knew that this is how we wanted to form our family and yet it wasn't good enough for her? I am happy to say that she did finally come around and just adores her little niece today.
Albert's mom was not supportive at all. The first words out of her mouth were, "Don't do it. She'll never love you. You aren't her real parents." Oh yeah, this was going to be an uphill battle for sure. Albert did not back down and proceeded to lambaste her for her small-mindedness. It ended up with him hanging up on her and not speaking to her for several months. I wish I could tell you all that this one ended happily ever after, but it didn't. She has still refused to accept our daughter as her grandchild. She has very limited contact with her for obvious reasons.
Albert's mom was not supportive at all. The first words out of her mouth were, "Don't do it. She'll never love you. You aren't her real parents." Oh yeah, this was going to be an uphill battle for sure. Albert did not back down and proceeded to lambaste her for her small-mindedness. It ended up with him hanging up on her and not speaking to her for several months. I wish I could tell you all that this one ended happily ever after, but it didn't. She has still refused to accept our daughter as her grandchild. She has very limited contact with her for obvious reasons.
Wednesday, September 3, 2003
Referral Rumor
All of August goes by and no referrals were received. We heard it through the rumor mill on the Spanish message boards that referrals were mailed on September 3rd! Finally, an inkling of news, albeit a rumor, but news is news! Of course, this happens to be Labor Day weeked, so it is going to be a long one for us, waiting to see if the rumors are even true. Since Monday, September 6th is a holiday in the United States, I don't expect to hear anything from my agency until Tuesday at the earliest. I have been disappointed before, but this seems like it might really be true, but I will not get my hopes up. I will not get my hopes up. Maybe if I say it enough times...I will repeat this mantra.
Monday, September 1, 2003
What my family thinks
I know on some level that I shouldn't give a crap what the family thinks because this is, after all, our life and our decision. I would like for everyone to be happy for us, but I just had that sinking feeling that it wasn't going to go that way. Since we live in my father's house, we definitely need his blessing. I mean, if he is against this whole thing then we are going to have to find a new place to live on top of everything else. That is not a prospect that I am looking forward to.
Why would my dad be against the adoption? Well, I'm not sure. Don't forget that he was born in 1935 and is a product of his time. When I was a teen, I heard him say lots of racist things. I know he was definitely of the belief that people should stay with their own kind. You know what I mean-whites with whites; blacks with blacks and so on, He was thinking in terms of people dating & marrying though. Raising a child of a different race never came up. Would he feel differently about it since this different race child would be my daughter and his granddaughter or would it be equally as bad in his eyes?
I had to tell him first simply because we lived together. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy about the possible outcomes that I couldn't sleep at night. Albert & I decided to tell him and get it over with. We'd deal with the aftermath once we knew. It was late August 2003 and he was sitting outside on the deck. I called him inside so that we could tell him. I said,
"You know that AR and I have been trying to have a baby..." He interrupted me, "You're pregnant?" I could hear the excitement in his voice. "No, "I told him, "not exactly." He looked confused. "We've been through all the doctors and it just isn't going to happen for us that way so we are going to adopt a baby. We're probably going to China."
He just stood there for a minute and then came over with a huge smile on his face and hugged me and Albert. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're going to be parents." He seemed really excited.
I told him that I was worried about his reaction. "Why?" he wanted to know, surprised that we thought he'd be anything but happy for us. "Well," you've said some racist things in the past and your granddaughter is going to be Chinese." He quickly blew that off and said that he didn't care where she was from, that she would be his granddaughter. I started to cry because I was relieved and happy all at the same time.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. The rest of my family was going to be a breeze to tell. We all had a drink to celebrate. It was the best drink I'd had in a long time.
Why would my dad be against the adoption? Well, I'm not sure. Don't forget that he was born in 1935 and is a product of his time. When I was a teen, I heard him say lots of racist things. I know he was definitely of the belief that people should stay with their own kind. You know what I mean-whites with whites; blacks with blacks and so on, He was thinking in terms of people dating & marrying though. Raising a child of a different race never came up. Would he feel differently about it since this different race child would be my daughter and his granddaughter or would it be equally as bad in his eyes?
I had to tell him first simply because we lived together. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy about the possible outcomes that I couldn't sleep at night. Albert & I decided to tell him and get it over with. We'd deal with the aftermath once we knew. It was late August 2003 and he was sitting outside on the deck. I called him inside so that we could tell him. I said,
"You know that AR and I have been trying to have a baby..." He interrupted me, "You're pregnant?" I could hear the excitement in his voice. "No, "I told him, "not exactly." He looked confused. "We've been through all the doctors and it just isn't going to happen for us that way so we are going to adopt a baby. We're probably going to China."
He just stood there for a minute and then came over with a huge smile on his face and hugged me and Albert. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're going to be parents." He seemed really excited.
I told him that I was worried about his reaction. "Why?" he wanted to know, surprised that we thought he'd be anything but happy for us. "Well," you've said some racist things in the past and your granddaughter is going to be Chinese." He quickly blew that off and said that he didn't care where she was from, that she would be his granddaughter. I started to cry because I was relieved and happy all at the same time.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. The rest of my family was going to be a breeze to tell. We all had a drink to celebrate. It was the best drink I'd had in a long time.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
What kind of an adoption?
A few days after the news we received, we were scheduled to go on a cruise. We decided that the cruise will give us time away to discuss the whole adoption issue. In the interim, unbeknownst to me, AR was surfing the Internet getting information about different adoption agencies. We went on our cruise in August 2003. There was a massive power failure along the eastern seaboard and we were oblivious to it because we were on our ship in NYC which had its own power source. While we were sipping fruity girly drinks and overlooking the ocean, people were in the dark and without air conditioning. Proof that life goes on, doesn't it?
I had to ask. "Are you sure that you are okay with adopting?" The reason I was skeptical is because we had discussed children prior to getting married. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were walking around the block of my parent's house and I said that I believed in zero population growth. WHAT??? I explained that there were already so many people on this planet that creating another one would simply be a drain on the earth's resources. Why populate the earth when there were so many children already here that needed homes.
AR wasn't too thrilled with my viewpoint. He comes from a heritage of Hispanic people and likes the idea of producing children. He didn't know about adoption because he wanted to have "his own child." Haunting words, huh? Back then I knew how important it was to him, so I came up with the five years of fun before children concept and he agreed to that and after we "had our own" child, we could consider adoption.
Which brings us back to the question of, "Are you sure that you are okay with adopting?" because you weren't too fond of the idea 12 years ago. AR admitted that he used to think that way, but ever since his prognosis of azoospermia, he re-thought all of that. He had adoption in his mind from the minute when he knew there was a possibility that we would be unable to conceive and so he has had the time to reconcile how he used to feel. I was relieved to hear this because I thought, well, it's only been a week since the doctor delivered my bad news, but he's been thinking about it for the two years that he had his bad news. It made me feel a whole lot better because I had never eliminated adoption from my set of options.
I always thought adoption was a possibility for me. I didn't realize that it would become our only option, but I was okay with this. I was never the person who said, Oooh, can't wait to get married and have a baby. The being pregnant part was never appealing to me. I know there is a lot of discomfort during pregnancy, not to mention the pain of childbirth, and none of that was especially enticing. Pregnant friends would tell me that once you have your baby, you forget about all of the pain & discomfort, which allows you to do it all over a second time. Ha, ha. The joke is on them, sort of.
While we were cuddling together sipping our drinks we discussed the different adoption options. Domestic vs. International. I already knew that I did not want a domestic adoption. Purely for selfish reasons. The conventional wisdom in the U.S. these days is to advocate for open adoptions. This did not appeal to me. I know it works for plenty of people, but I didn't want to have a relationship with the birth mother. I did not want to deal with the issues of that at all. If I were going to adopt, I want to be the main mother in that child's life. Yes, we will talk about the fact that my child has two mothers, but I did not want to be competing for my child's affection. I know I would be hurt if my child preferred to spend time with her birth mother. Yes, I know I am selfish. Yes, I know that I should be thinking about what is best for my child. Yes, I know this is petty. However, it doesn't matter because this is how I feel and I am not going to pretend to be something I am not.
In addition to the whole open adoption is the fact that a birth mother can change their mind about the adoption. And you know what? I think they should be able to change their mind before the adoption is finalized. If a birth mother selected us as parents and we went through the pregnancy with her and then once the baby was born she changed her mind, I would be devastated. Again, I know it is what is in the child's best interests, but it is also about me. I have had enough heartache. I don't want more. I don't know what the percentage of birth mothers who change their minds is, but that is not a risk I was willing to take.
What about adopting through foster care? Generally speaking, children in foster care are older (not infants, though they could be) and have come from some pretty heavy situations such as physical/sexual abuse, neglect or drug use. That is why they are in foster care in the first place. The children are removed from unsafe situations and need to be in a loving environment with people who will keep them safe. You are providing a safe haven for these children. The primary goal is to re-unite the foster kids with their parents. I know that I would get attached to any child in my care and I would be unable to return the child to her biological mother. Even if the birth parent's parental rights were terminated, the children would require a level of care that we would be unable to provide due to the extreme situations that they have come from.
AR agreed with me on these issues and so we ruled out domestic adoption. That left international adoption. We both thought that China was a strong possibility. China has an overwhelming number of children (primarily girls) who are abandoned. This tugged at our hearts heavily. We discussed Colombia and Guatemala as potential countries. AR liked the idea of either of them because of his Hispanic background. He is fluent in Spanish. I am not. Neither of us was keen on Russia. We had heard that many children have fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) and often times the children available were older. Did we want to parent an older child? Not sure. We both liked the idea of having an infant baby since we had not experienced that.
We spent the whole cruise discussing the possibilities of China, Colombia and Guatemala. If we wanted a boy, then Colombia or Guatemala were the best choices. If we wanted a girl, then China seemed to be the better option. We finally decided that boy/girl didn't matter. Although he could have shared a heritage with a child from a Spanish-speaking country; I could not. AR didn't think that was fair to me. He decided to take Colombia and Guatemala out of consideration, which only left China.
Our baby would be coming from China. Next steps:
I had to ask. "Are you sure that you are okay with adopting?" The reason I was skeptical is because we had discussed children prior to getting married. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were walking around the block of my parent's house and I said that I believed in zero population growth. WHAT??? I explained that there were already so many people on this planet that creating another one would simply be a drain on the earth's resources. Why populate the earth when there were so many children already here that needed homes.
AR wasn't too thrilled with my viewpoint. He comes from a heritage of Hispanic people and likes the idea of producing children. He didn't know about adoption because he wanted to have "his own child." Haunting words, huh? Back then I knew how important it was to him, so I came up with the five years of fun before children concept and he agreed to that and after we "had our own" child, we could consider adoption.
Which brings us back to the question of, "Are you sure that you are okay with adopting?" because you weren't too fond of the idea 12 years ago. AR admitted that he used to think that way, but ever since his prognosis of azoospermia, he re-thought all of that. He had adoption in his mind from the minute when he knew there was a possibility that we would be unable to conceive and so he has had the time to reconcile how he used to feel. I was relieved to hear this because I thought, well, it's only been a week since the doctor delivered my bad news, but he's been thinking about it for the two years that he had his bad news. It made me feel a whole lot better because I had never eliminated adoption from my set of options.
I always thought adoption was a possibility for me. I didn't realize that it would become our only option, but I was okay with this. I was never the person who said, Oooh, can't wait to get married and have a baby. The being pregnant part was never appealing to me. I know there is a lot of discomfort during pregnancy, not to mention the pain of childbirth, and none of that was especially enticing. Pregnant friends would tell me that once you have your baby, you forget about all of the pain & discomfort, which allows you to do it all over a second time. Ha, ha. The joke is on them, sort of.
While we were cuddling together sipping our drinks we discussed the different adoption options. Domestic vs. International. I already knew that I did not want a domestic adoption. Purely for selfish reasons. The conventional wisdom in the U.S. these days is to advocate for open adoptions. This did not appeal to me. I know it works for plenty of people, but I didn't want to have a relationship with the birth mother. I did not want to deal with the issues of that at all. If I were going to adopt, I want to be the main mother in that child's life. Yes, we will talk about the fact that my child has two mothers, but I did not want to be competing for my child's affection. I know I would be hurt if my child preferred to spend time with her birth mother. Yes, I know I am selfish. Yes, I know that I should be thinking about what is best for my child. Yes, I know this is petty. However, it doesn't matter because this is how I feel and I am not going to pretend to be something I am not.
In addition to the whole open adoption is the fact that a birth mother can change their mind about the adoption. And you know what? I think they should be able to change their mind before the adoption is finalized. If a birth mother selected us as parents and we went through the pregnancy with her and then once the baby was born she changed her mind, I would be devastated. Again, I know it is what is in the child's best interests, but it is also about me. I have had enough heartache. I don't want more. I don't know what the percentage of birth mothers who change their minds is, but that is not a risk I was willing to take.
What about adopting through foster care? Generally speaking, children in foster care are older (not infants, though they could be) and have come from some pretty heavy situations such as physical/sexual abuse, neglect or drug use. That is why they are in foster care in the first place. The children are removed from unsafe situations and need to be in a loving environment with people who will keep them safe. You are providing a safe haven for these children. The primary goal is to re-unite the foster kids with their parents. I know that I would get attached to any child in my care and I would be unable to return the child to her biological mother. Even if the birth parent's parental rights were terminated, the children would require a level of care that we would be unable to provide due to the extreme situations that they have come from.
AR agreed with me on these issues and so we ruled out domestic adoption. That left international adoption. We both thought that China was a strong possibility. China has an overwhelming number of children (primarily girls) who are abandoned. This tugged at our hearts heavily. We discussed Colombia and Guatemala as potential countries. AR liked the idea of either of them because of his Hispanic background. He is fluent in Spanish. I am not. Neither of us was keen on Russia. We had heard that many children have fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) and often times the children available were older. Did we want to parent an older child? Not sure. We both liked the idea of having an infant baby since we had not experienced that.
We spent the whole cruise discussing the possibilities of China, Colombia and Guatemala. If we wanted a boy, then Colombia or Guatemala were the best choices. If we wanted a girl, then China seemed to be the better option. We finally decided that boy/girl didn't matter. Although he could have shared a heritage with a child from a Spanish-speaking country; I could not. AR didn't think that was fair to me. He decided to take Colombia and Guatemala out of consideration, which only left China.
Our baby would be coming from China. Next steps:
- Tell our families - kind of a scary prospect
- Find an adoption agency - need to be diligent with research
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Ready for Kids
Like many people, I did not want to have kids so quickly after marriage. I didn't get married until I was 28 and I told my husband, Albert, that I wanted to have five years of fun first, before we had children. We certainly did have fun in our first five years of marriage. We traveled and my career really took off. I was doing great and then, uh-oh, five years had passed. I was 33, but still not ready for children. We decided to wait a few more years.
I was 36 and he was 37. We decided that the time was right to begin. We read all the books and then jumped into baby-making mode. Only problem was that it wasn't happening. After a year of trying on our own, we made an appointment with my gyno to see why we couldn't get pregnant. Maybe we just didn't know how to do it???
He suggested that the first step was to have my husband’s sperm tested. That was the quickest way to see what was going on. Okay, so he went to have his first of many sperm tests. The first results were not promising. No Sperm. WHAT? How could that be? Never heard of such a thing. My gyno recommended that he see a urologist.
Urologist was consulted and another sperm test was done with the same results a medical condition called azoospermia. The question now was to determine whether azoospermia was being caused by a blockage that could be surgically corrected or if it was a genetic problem. A testicular biopsy was scheduled. I was in the waiting room with other families who were nervously waiting for their loved ones. After a few hours the doctor came to get me. He took me into another room to tell me that there was no blockage causing the azoospermia. They did a scraping and would test to see if the sperm they found was mature. Possibly if they were, "something" could be done. He wasn't very hopeful.
We left that day and waited for the results. We waited and waited. Albert did not want to call the doctor. I think he just didn't want the bad results. I finally insisted that he call. He did and the results were devastating. "You best bet is a sperm donor."
Uh, no. We are not interested thank you. Time passed. My husband was doing lots of internet research and found an infertility doctor that he wanted to see. His name? Dr. Seman. Ironic, huh? We went, but I wasn't too hopeful. I mean, we had no sperm. Another sperm test and we brought all the results from the other doctors to the appointment. This guy was hopeful. He said when they did the biopsy; they should have frozen the sperm they found, but no worry because they would just re-do the biopsy. In the mean time, he referred me to a fertility specialist to ensure that if he were to get my husband's sperm, that my body would be ready to accept it.
Great, just what I wanted. More people poking and prodding. The truth of the matter was that at this point, I didn't want to be pregnant. I just wanted a baby. I was sort of going through the motions for my hubby. I really didn't think anything was going to come of this. I mean, he had no sperm!
Okay, we visit this new doctor. I was started on clomed. They did blood tests. After one cycle of clomed I had more blood tests. The results were poor. My FSH levels were too high and should have come down since taking the drugs. The doctor told me that my chances of in-vitro success were less than 5%. He did not recommend trying it and said I should consider an egg donor.
I was stunned. One: I didn't even think that I wanted to be pregnant, two: My husband was the one that was supposed to have the infertility issues, not me and 3: I couldn't believe that this was it. I couldn't get pregnant, even if I wanted to.
I called Albert and told him the news, choking back the tears. It's over. No egg donor or sperm donors for us. I know lots of people choose to form their families that way, but it wasn't for us. Why do that? I didn't have a burning desire to be pregnant. There are so many babies that already need homes, right? My desire for a baby increased. I wanted a baby more than ever now. Albert didn't skip a beat. No problem he said. We're going to adopt. And just like that, we turned to adoption.
7/19/2003
I was 36 and he was 37. We decided that the time was right to begin. We read all the books and then jumped into baby-making mode. Only problem was that it wasn't happening. After a year of trying on our own, we made an appointment with my gyno to see why we couldn't get pregnant. Maybe we just didn't know how to do it???
He suggested that the first step was to have my husband’s sperm tested. That was the quickest way to see what was going on. Okay, so he went to have his first of many sperm tests. The first results were not promising. No Sperm. WHAT? How could that be? Never heard of such a thing. My gyno recommended that he see a urologist.
Urologist was consulted and another sperm test was done with the same results a medical condition called azoospermia. The question now was to determine whether azoospermia was being caused by a blockage that could be surgically corrected or if it was a genetic problem. A testicular biopsy was scheduled. I was in the waiting room with other families who were nervously waiting for their loved ones. After a few hours the doctor came to get me. He took me into another room to tell me that there was no blockage causing the azoospermia. They did a scraping and would test to see if the sperm they found was mature. Possibly if they were, "something" could be done. He wasn't very hopeful.
We left that day and waited for the results. We waited and waited. Albert did not want to call the doctor. I think he just didn't want the bad results. I finally insisted that he call. He did and the results were devastating. "You best bet is a sperm donor."
Uh, no. We are not interested thank you. Time passed. My husband was doing lots of internet research and found an infertility doctor that he wanted to see. His name? Dr. Seman. Ironic, huh? We went, but I wasn't too hopeful. I mean, we had no sperm. Another sperm test and we brought all the results from the other doctors to the appointment. This guy was hopeful. He said when they did the biopsy; they should have frozen the sperm they found, but no worry because they would just re-do the biopsy. In the mean time, he referred me to a fertility specialist to ensure that if he were to get my husband's sperm, that my body would be ready to accept it.
Great, just what I wanted. More people poking and prodding. The truth of the matter was that at this point, I didn't want to be pregnant. I just wanted a baby. I was sort of going through the motions for my hubby. I really didn't think anything was going to come of this. I mean, he had no sperm!
Okay, we visit this new doctor. I was started on clomed. They did blood tests. After one cycle of clomed I had more blood tests. The results were poor. My FSH levels were too high and should have come down since taking the drugs. The doctor told me that my chances of in-vitro success were less than 5%. He did not recommend trying it and said I should consider an egg donor.
I was stunned. One: I didn't even think that I wanted to be pregnant, two: My husband was the one that was supposed to have the infertility issues, not me and 3: I couldn't believe that this was it. I couldn't get pregnant, even if I wanted to.
I called Albert and told him the news, choking back the tears. It's over. No egg donor or sperm donors for us. I know lots of people choose to form their families that way, but it wasn't for us. Why do that? I didn't have a burning desire to be pregnant. There are so many babies that already need homes, right? My desire for a baby increased. I wanted a baby more than ever now. Albert didn't skip a beat. No problem he said. We're going to adopt. And just like that, we turned to adoption.
7/19/2003
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